Why are relationships so hard? Especially when they are the GOOD relationships.
MERR. I hate being a romantic. I hate being the one that falls head over heels and is completely and truly in love with someone and then I feel like I scare them away. I wish I could be the one with boundaries set in my brain and not giving everything in a relationship. UGH.
But then again…I really love who I am. And I am loved because of who I am. So I better hunker down, grab a bottle and pray for day light because Alan’s moving out so we can date instead of this awkward domestic nightmare we are trapped in as of now.
I won’t have to cook dinner every night. I won’t have to clean. I can be on tumblr ALL DAY. And I can play music whenever I want. I don’t have to cook dinner every night. Did I mention I am not cooking?
I just wish I was smart enough to have seen this as a solution. And I wish that my first reaction to him saying it wasn’t to break down completely and lose my shit. I really wish I was stronger sometimes. I wish I didn’t cry about everything involving our relationship. I wish I wasn’t so fucking scared of losing him all the time. Paranoia is driving me INSANE. He’s done everything he can to show me, answered all my questions and I still get so scared. He’s done so much for me, taken time to help me. And he wants to make our relationship better, he feels living together is holding us back. I don’t play music anymore and it makes him sad. He wants us to grow separately for a while. And then come back together.
I will learn to forgive myself for being so emotional. That’s who I am and it’s not changing anytime soon. I have to accept that I am scared and vulnerable and I try so desperately to plan for the worst but it is always in vain. And maybe that’s why I feel so frustrated because I try and I try and I try when it isn’t something I can succeed at. I have to accept the unknown, be thankful for what I have and live my life without so much self doubt and paranoia.
I am emotional, paranoid, codependent and I try way to hard to plan for the worst possible scenario. But I forgive myself for being all these things. It happens to the best of people. We are not perfect. And these faults all have a positive side to them that can be cultivated into something productive and self enriching. I will confront the shadows and I will fill them with my light. Because I am all the things I listed but I am also strong, smart, funny, charming, beautiful and I care about many things that most people over look because I am considerate. And THOSE things are what I will fill that shadow with.
